My Sweet Life

theletdown

There is an ethereal awakening happening to me.

I am enveloped again in wariness.

I cannot comprehend certain things.

It's fine, I'm used to it.

It's way of life- living in confusion and fear.

I will break free of this, one way or another.

---

I realized that I am prone to sliding into depression lately.

Maybe all the jazz of rehab is gone.

Turns out I may be back to my old self.

I guess the difference now is, I am fighting the urge to hurt myself.

I am fighting for myself.

Bacause I promised that I will never throw myself away again...

Not anymore.

---

Jogged again and did Tae Bo...

I'm beginning to love that workout. Makes me sweat a lot, and gives me self-confidence.

I guess exercise IS good for you.

(How funny that every goddamn thing in the world screams for us all to exercise, but I only internalized it now.)

I'm looking for an advanced type of Tae Bo. I suspect I will get bored with the Tae Bo we have now because it's so basic.

theletdown

My friend texted and said I look like Katherine Heigl.

Hello?!

I'm not even the dirt underneath her fingernails. Haha.

theletdown

I now consider myself lucky for having J in my life.

He's really the most caring and loving human being I have ever met, seriously.

But I just can't love him because I don't want to hurt such a kind heart.

I remember when we had a retreat at Tagaytay and of course me and my friend smuggled alocohol and pursued a drinking session in which I got horridly drunk.

In short, J cleaned up my puke, cleaned me up and I slept in his room.

The next morning, I was a spectacle to all the other guys in my class because I was sleeping in his room. But, because he IS J, they didn't suspect that we slept together. Apparently, they all stared at me from the door in the room.

He is like that- nice to have around, but I can't imagine sleeping with him.

For God's sake, he's a virgin and I don't want to have to teach him.

----

Last night, me and my sister walked around the block ten times, talking about everything and nothing at all. It was refreshing. I could tell her anything and it would all be fine. Just fine.

I am lucky to have such an understanding little sister (or little brother, actually).

---

I am lucky to have one of the greatest doctors I know- my psychiatrist, Dr. LB.

He really made me better, by some mysterious, unknown way.

I am now stable on 10mg Abilify, 2mg Akineton, 150mg Lamictal and 100mg Seroquel (prn).

---

And here's a secret: I do fall haphazardly towards an unnameable center to which I cling.

I am stupid like that.

For a long time, their typical description of me was "cold, detached and pretty."

Now, I'm a conversationalist with a zest for life.

How lucky I am to have changed so much.

theletdown

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

----

Had a pretty packed weekend, meeting up with friends and going to a party.

I met my best friend from college, C, at Greenbelt and we had dinner at Madison.

The best lamb shank I have ever tasted. Really meat falling off the bones. Yum.

I plan to bring my sister there, as she's a real gourmet lover.

---

On Sunday, my aunts and cousins will be coming over for a grill party here at home.

They're also bringing beer and vodka.

Oh, how I love my relatives on the father side. They're so carefree and all.

J is coming too, and sleeping over here in our house (not beside me ha).

---

I'm okay.

I'm not trapped anymore in a world where if no guy pursues me, then I feel worthless.

I don't anymore. Not at all.

In fact, I don't give a damn if I stay single for a long time.

(ie I don't need to have sex for a long period of time too.)

---

Jogged today, then did Tae Bo.

I suspect that my muscles will ache tomorrow- but I love that feeling anyhow.

theletdown

Had a great night last night, meeting up with friends.

It was 2 AM when K was walking me home, talking about absolutely anything under the sun (or moon).

At Starbucks, I saw U's sister, and she said I should eat more because I lost some weight again.

I do not believe her.

I will perpetually be the fat girl, no matter what anybody says.

----

Somtimes, I get so tired of the way people interact with me.

There's always something they're not saying.

theletdown

After bottle after bottle of beer, we come to the same conclusion: P.

It's his face that I see flashing before my eyes.

It's his scent that lingers in the forgotten refuge of my senses.

It's his laugh that brightens up my rigid heart.

Oh, Peter, what is it with you?

Why can't I ever let you go?

I should've said what I wanted to say years ago: I love you.

Fuck these reflexes. Fuck these habits.

I hate myself for making you a reflex; for making sure that every turn of my tortuous mind means you. And only you.

theletdown

I'm afraid of giving in; afraid of being loved too much.

Why?

Cause I'm not used to undying devotion.

I'm not used to the honest look in his eyes.

I'm not used to the infinite kindness that he shows me and my family.

I'm one fucked up girl, I know, and so why is he still here?

---

I've managed to evade being psychotic since I got discharged.

Though bloody and sordid images of cutting myself still invade my mind, all I can do is decide not to do it.

They're losing their saliency, bit by bit.

I'm still on my antipsychotic, anti-parkinson's and mood stabilizer and it looks like my psychiatrist is not planning to take me off them any time soon.

I asked him why I must be on antipsychotics and he said "eh, what happens to you when you're not on them?"

Fine.

Fine.

---

I can't wait to get back to med school after my one year hiatus.

I miss my friends.

I miss studying all night for an exam.

Heck, I even miss sleeping in class.

Haha.

theletdown

I hate you because you love me.

I hate you because I don't see why you insist on being kind to me after all the things I did to you.

I hate you for telling me to drink my medicine, not to forget to eat and not to worry.

I hate you because I don't want to hurt you.

I hate you because you insist on melting my icy heart and invading the wreckage that I am.

I hate you because I can't stand to hurt you all over again.

So what should I do now?